I no longer belong residing in here. It has rebelled against me, creating an alien environment that I can no longer tolerate. I ask myself every day, why did it turn against its resident occupier? Why begin to destroy the being it relies on, for food, for warmth, for comfort….
I no longer feel comfortable inside this shell, nor do I feel at home enclosed as I am inside its rebelling interior. I have never loved it, always aware that when compared to others, it was far from perfect. Too skinny all those years ago, with hardly any curves or attractiveness, now misshapen and ugly, covered in bruises, veins that hide and disappear, legs that complain in creaks and groans, hair that is too thin, skin that burns and itches, and now, it has turned against its occupant and rebelled.
Walking along the road, I pass a young woman, sleek and slim with a carefree expression, maybe thinking of her weekend and all the fun she might enjoy in the arms of a lover. She reminds me of how I used to be at that age with not a care in the world, and as we pass one another I mentally jump into her young lithe body and become young and carefree once more.
TG
Oh if only!!!!! My shell is aging and never seems to be100% these days so I really understand what you must be going through. Staying strong in the face of a body that will not cooperate must be a nightmare. Thinking of you......
ReplyDeleteThanks Diane. Yes, its rather like being in some kind of never ending nightmare, but I'll fight it as hard as I can!
ReplyDeleteI think we'd all like to change our "shell".
ReplyDeleteYes, I suppose that's true.
ReplyDeleteYou bring tears to my eyes ... It takes far more to be old than it does to be young! You are the more interesting even if she has the looks! I hate her already ....but, do take care of yourself ....& beware the medicos ....with a big hug .... Tricia
ReplyDeleteI'm ready to trade mine in too! All downhill from here.
ReplyDeleteThis post saddened me a bit, TG, because it seems you were having such a down day. Believe me many of us have them even if we don't blog about them. My figure is far from perfect - very imperfect, hair thinning, body aging. I am not envious of others, but sometimes regret the fast passage of time. I do hope you have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Beatrice, yes, I have had a bit if a downer this week, side effects of the chemo I think. Feeling much brighter now. It's about this aqing body, now falling apart, and I don't envy others, just wish for a younger body to reside in, we never appreciate ours when they are working 100%.
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