Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Facing reality.

It has taken me a full week of indecision, of toying with ‘should I compose a post or shouldn’t I?’ questions. How to word it? How to explain how I feel about my current situation? Should I just keep quiet and keep it to myself? As I’m am a great believer in the old saying, ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’ and although I don’t know most of you personally, I am also sure that putting it all down ‘on paper’ as it were, might help to clear my thoughts and my mind, so here goes.

You see, the last three sessions of Carboplatin  I have received have not worked. Not only that, the cancer is now spreading into my bones in my spine. I never do anything by halves, and this particular cancer is a swine. Serous Carcinoma. You can Google it if you want to know more about it. It’s quite rare and a sneaky little so and so, wandering around via your blood stream or lymph nodes into other areas, and is seemingly immune to anything you throw at it.  I was told the news last week by my Oncologist, and although I have insisted on trying another type of chemo before throwing in the towel in defeat, she also advised me that I really needed to sort out Kerri’s future.  We had a heart to heart chat about how it may ‘pan out’ and she warned me that although I might be feeling okay now, once my liver begins to pack up, my deterioration will be fairly swift. Not painful she assured me, but occurring rather quickly, hence the advice that I must sort out arrangements for Kerri’s future.

It is this aspect that fills me with dread. We have been inseparable she and I, for so long and the thoughts of her leaving to go and live somewhere else fills me with a sadness I cannot explain to anyone. I don’t fear dying, its something that we all have to face sooner or later, its a part of living and will occur to us all as sure as eggs are eggs, but the thought of seeing my sidekick leave, knowing I face it all on my own without her is almost too much to bear. Yet, I have to do it, I must know she is settled and happy somewhere before I leave. Truth be known, I’ve been putting it off for so long, I should have encouraged her to move to a shared house years ago but she didn’t want to go, and I secretly didn’t want her to go either. We’re never apart, so much so that people in town who know us both pass me by without recognising me if I’m by myself. It’s come to the point these last few years, as I have begun to have health problems, that I need her as much as she needs me. But I have to be strong and unselfish and think of her and her future needs, not mine.

In the meantime, if the Taxol I am to be given in the next few weeks, doesn’t begin to shrink the little blighter, I will then continue fighting by myself by keeping myself fit till I drop with exercise and walking, and by eating a cancer busting diet. I won’t give in until my last breath, its not in my nature to do so. I shall also keep smiling and making the best of each day as it comes, although without my trusty sidekick that will be more difficult to do.

I will also keep blogging as long as I feel up to it, and as long as I feel the subject matter is interesting enough to write about.



  1. I have not appreciated how desperate your situation is until reading this, TG. My heart goes out to you and Kerri and pray for a miracle to make you well again. You have been so brave, through all your troubles, this seems so unfair and tragic.
    I know you will have the strength to help Kerri through the changes ahead but I wish she could be by your side in this.
    Know I am thinking of you, my friend. Pen.

  2. Technogran, please know your internet friends will be with you and Kerri every step of the way.

  3. Your courage is awesome and inspiring. I do hope and wish that your treatments will find success and that you will be blogging for a good long time. It is always a delight to read your stories, even when you have to share such bad news. All the best!

  4. I want to start my comment by saying that I really hope that writing down and posting this has helped you. I don't always comment but I've always found your writing and your blog and inspiration. I too fear whether I should post things or not but I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't help anyone if you self-censor too much, least of all yourself.

    I will admit to crying when I read this post, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have to be thinking about Kerri's future while dealing with the imminent new treatment you will be going on.

    After Friday I'm not going to be around blog land till the start of October, but my thoughts will be with you and if you ever want to email me please do, my email address is in my profile. x

  5. TG, just finished reading this post and sit here in awe and admiration of your courage in writing this. Faced with a similar dilemma, I could not be as strong. You surely have many tough decisions ahead, especially regarding Kerri's future and of course your own. Please do keep blogging as long as you fell able to do so because I will be here reading and wishing there was more to do. A you said, you don't know most readers personally, but yet there is a connection by sharing our lives online. You and Kerri are both in my thoughts.

  6. I hope putting your feelings into print has managed to help you sort things out in your mind. Of course you have my deepest sympathy this is going to be a very difficult time for you both. Please keep blogging and dont worry about how interesting it is we are all listening!!! As you say we will all have to face this at some time, some sooner than others and it is those we leave behind that our thoughts are with. I know you will do the right thing by Kerri hope that you can be happy with the solution.

  7. I can't express how grateful I am for all of your kind comments. I HATE blogging about health issues, I'd far rather keep my readers smiling and happy, and I must admit that I sometimes wonder if readers think that a post such as this is to garner sympathy. In my case, its not of course, its to help me get over a difficult time in my life, facing up to reality I suppose, rather like discussing it with family and friends face to face. It has helped me to write this blog post, to get my thoughts down on 'paper' as it were instead of bottling them up. I'll keep you all posted of course and can assure you all that the first bout of Taxol went well. Onward and upward as they say! And I am going up to Scotland to see my eldest son and his family soon! Hurray so something to look forward to (and excuse for buying spree as I will no doubt need some really thick jumpers! Lol

  8. Every moment now becomes precious. Your story serves to remind us all that we need to make the most of what we have.
    I applaud you for having the courage to blog about your feelings and, in doing so, hopefully share your strength and optimism with others.
    My granddaughter is autistic and we often wonder how she would fare if anything happened to the family. This is one of our worst fears and I can understand that you may feel as if you are abandoning Kerri but your support in the past will be your legacy.

  9. Is there not a solution where you and Kerri can be supported and still live nearby/together? I wish/hope the Taxol will continue to help you.

  10. Thanks Life Watcher and Diana for your helpful comments. She will go into a 'shared home' where there will be about another two or three others with special needs, hopefully that she is friendly with, although this can't always be organised, and also hopefully near here because she's well known in the town.
    She will be able to come and stay with me at weekends etc, and I will be able to visit her and take her out. As for my future abode, well, that's to discuss of course...

  11. I'm not sure what to say here, apart from your writing in this post is lovely and sad in equal measures.


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