As K and I sat on the bus yesterday slowly roasting thanks to the warm spring sunshine outside and the heat radiating from the bus heaters belting out around our feet, I began to imagine in my mind a set of rules presented to all the drivers on our particular route by the management and it went something like this;
Rules for all drivers on the ***/*** route.
1. During the winter months when the outside temperature has dropped to below five degrees Fahrenheit , all drivers on this route must immediately turn off all bus heating. You may collect warm clothing and fleece lined jackets for your own personal use during the winter months. Bonus’s will be paid to all drivers who also leave the bus doors and windows open as much as possible.
2. During days when the outside temperature is above ten degrees, the bus heaters must be turned on fully. You may drive in shirt and light clothing to compensate. At this time bonus’s will be awarded to all drivers who keep their bus doors and windows shut during any warm weather. Double bonus’s are awarded if this is during a summer heatwave.
3. You are not allowed under any circumstances to stop for any passenger who is not stood at a designated bus stop. This includes any passenger of any age even if they are running towards said bus stop and waving frantically at you. Failure to comply will be met with serious disciplinary measures.
4. All drivers are advised to keep applying the brakes followed quickly by the accelerator as much as possible during each journey.
5. A prominent warning is displayed on all buses that clearly states to all passengers NOT to get up from their seat if the bus is moving and to wait until the bus completely stops guarantees that if any passenger hurts themselves whilst being hurled down the aisle trying to get off at their stop you and this company are in no way held responsible for any injury they might sustain. In the case of a passenger accident of this nature, do not fail to point out said notice.
6. If you fail to stop for a passenger because
a) they remained in their seat as per notice as you approached their chosen bus stop or
b) you failed to hear the bell because you were listening to your walkman, mobile or any other music device or alternatively you were occupied day dreaming
you will not be held responsible for that passengers inconvenience in then having to alight at the next designated bus stop and walk back to their chosen bus stop. Nor are you required to offer any form of apology.
6. You are not obliged to speak to any passenger for any reason whatsoever, including if they say ‘thank you’ as they alight from the bus. You may grunt if you wish. Any driver found being civil or friendly with passengers will be severely reprimanded. Smiling at passengers is strictly forbidden and is a dismissible offence.